Atlantis Orientation
by ShipperWriter
Summary: New job. New rules. New players. Somebody's gotta break the rookies in. Set in Season 3, contains Sparky and crack. What more could you ask for?
1. Welcome to Atlantis 101

Atlantis Orientation by ShipperWriter

Summary: New job. New rules. New players. Somebody's gotta break the rookies in.

A/N: Inspired by a story on a Chipotle cup. For more info, see discussion over on GateWorld's John/Elizabeth relationship thread.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, except my car that took me to Chipotle, the lunch I bought, and the laptop I'm writing this on.

* * *

"Welcome to Atlantis 101"

"Good afternoon, and thank you for choosing to participate in this small, unofficial orientation. My name is Chuck. If you stick around long enough, you might find out my last name. That is, if you aren't culled or infected with nanites first.

"If you'll go ahead and open your packets, you'll see that there is a brief summary of the command structure here on Atlantis. Of course, our boss is the wonderful Dr. Elizabeth Weir. She is strong, determined, addicted to work, coffee, and a certain brown haired colonel. Research has found that it is wise not to inquire about any secret relationships or her hidden stash of chocolate. The last few Expedition members that did that were assigned to waste duty. Again, she is strong and determined. Do not forget that.

"Next, we have Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard, the most expert carrier of the Ancient gene currently residing on Atlantis. Yes, his hair is like that naturally. No, he does not harbor secret romantic feelings for Rodney McKay, or Teyla Emmagen, or Ronan Dex. Lieutenant Watts found that out the hard way. As I recall, she fell down a stairwell in close vicinity to Dr. McKay's lab. Never determined exactly what happened. In any case, crack pilot, extremely loyal to all members of the expedition, and has a mini fridge full of beer in his quarters. To date, it has never been empty. We still can't figure that one out. If anyone cares to bet on how that's possible, please see Dr. Bingham in the lab on level 36.

"In charge of all the scientific departments is Dr. Meredith Rodney McKay. Please keep in mind that while the doctor is arrogant and pig-headed, he can lecture you about meaningless scientific matters until you turn blue and your eyes explode in your head. If you call him Meredith, for any reason, and manage to survive without any harsh consequences, there will be a small gathering in a secret lab on the East Pier to celebrate.

"Teyla Emmagen has lived here on Atlantis ever since the Expedition arrived to Pegasus. She is Athosian, mild mannered, and humble. Please make a note, do not agree to a sparring session with her if you are in less than excellent health. You _will_ be out of commission for a week. Do not underestimate her. For more information on the Athosians, please sign up for next week's class, Pegasus Cultures 101.

"If a picture's worth a thousand words, Ronan Dex is a novel. Previously a captive held for sport by the Wraith, he came to Atlantis shortly after the disappearance of Lieutenant Aiden Ford. For more information on previous members of the Expedition, feel free to attend the slideshow, Red Shirts of Atlantis. If you can't understand why it's called that, don't bother coming. More on Ronan. He is a man of few words. If you can't answer a question with less than five words, he will ignore you and walk away. He doesn't want anyone to know, but he was married, with a son. He is a huge teddy bear, and has a tendency of giving people hugs when they least expect them, sometimes, when they least need them. If he tries to encounter you after a bantos class, run to the infirmary.

"And that brings us to Dr. Carson Beckett. Like Colonel Sheppard, our Scottish chief medical officer has the Ancient gene, which allows him to utilize some of the Ancient equipment that only those with the gene can. He also hosts a support group, called, 'Help, I'm stuck with the Ancient gene and I don't want it'. The meetings traditionally start with the bagpipes being played. Ear plugs are sold for two dollars in the store room.

"That wraps up the introduction to the senior staff on Atlantis. Enjoy a brief intermission with some coffee and pastries, and we'll resume shortly with 'Welcome to Atlantis 102' or, as it's commonly known, 'The List of "If You Do, You're Dead"'. Special guest speaker will be Major Evan Lorne, Colonel Sheppard's second in command.

"Thank you, and enjoy your break."

* * *

Next time: _"Welcome to Atlantis 102", The List of "If You Do, You're Dead"_


	2. The 'You Do and Die' List 102

Atlantis Orientation 102 by ShipperWriter

A/N: Thank you all for your positive responses! I'm keeping the class short, thinking about how much Chuck would be missed if he was gone for hours on end with all the new arrivals, but I hope you enjoy this!

R&R, and more orientations will be posted!

* * *

"All right, thank you all again for joining us. Due to the fact that there will probably be an unscheduled dial in anytime and Dr. Weir will notice I'm missing, we're gonna speed up 102, 'The List', for short.

"I'd like to go ahead and introduce Major Evan Lorne, Colonel Sheppard's second in command and the leader of SGA-2. Major Lorne, welcome."

"Thanks, Chuck. I've given this portion quite a few times, so if we go over anything that you wanna stop and review, just let me know.

"All right." Click. "This is an aerial view of Atlantis. From here, you see the central location of the command tower, and the piers. Here, here, here, and here are off limits. Let me explain why."

"Umm, Major Lorne?"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I thought this lecture was about things we shouldn't do in the City?"

"It is. These off limits areas of the City are vital to showing that point. But for the sake of time, we'll summarize it.

"Never skateboard on the rails of any of the piers. Even though Colonel Sheppard proved it is possible, had he been on Earth, he probably would've been in the hospital much longer.

"Next. Never repel down or climb up the side of the tower. Contrary to popular belief, there is not a gnome who lives in a secret lab who mysteriously saves idiots around this city. If any such idiots show themselves, they get sent home."

"And just to remind you, in conjunction with Major Lorne's statement, the slideshow, 'Red Shirts of Atlantis', has been postponed till tomorrow night. There is a scheduled dial in from Earth, and Sergeant Harriman has been kind enough to send us some new footage."

"Thanks, Chuck. Okay, we've been over the pier rails, tower climbing. Ah, okay, this particular point in this pier provides a great vantage point to view the more interesting aspects of our City. It offers a great view to Colonel Sheppard's room, as well as Doctor Weir's quarters. Any one who goes here will be demoted. And if you're a scientist, you'll be sent to work with Dr. McKay. And anyone who says they don't mind working with Dr. McKay will-"

"Thanks, Major, I think we got the point about that."

"Umm, right. Okay, moving on. Also, a number of labs in these sections still haven't been explored. Do not go there by yourself. The only situation where you should find yourselves there is one, if you are being held captive by the enemy. Take them there and hope something blows up. If you survive, good for you. If not, well, I'll say some nice things at your funeral.

"Two. Go there under the supervision of a senior Expedition member. That way, if something gets screwed up, you can blame them. They tend to go easy on the rookies the first few times. A word of warning, though: don't make this a regular habit. Dr. Weir _will_ notice."

"Major, I think that covers all the locales that we need to avoid. Should we move on to the primary list?"

"Yeah, good idea, Chuck. I'll let you handle this part, you might've added some things to it."

"Yes, indeed. Thank you again, Major Lorne. If anyone has more questions for the major, please see him after this section is done.

"Okay. The members of this City are a close, tight knit group. In spite of that, we still like to gossip about them. Keeps things interesting. However, studies done over the past three years have conclusively proven that there are some things that we should keep mum about.

"Keep in mind, these aren't necessarily listed in order of importance. Unless I say so.

"Never gloat about McKay's accomplishments around Dr. Zelenka, or vice versa. They will accidentally find a way to short something out, and the odds are, you'll be nearby.

"Never 'accidentally' put any citrus items into McKay's vicinity. Even though we all thought he was lying, last year's citywide fair proved him right. As I recall, he was bloated for a week. Even after being stabbed with an epi pen five times.

"Never make fun of Dr. Beckett's turtles. This includes turtle soup jokes, abandonment, or kidnapping. Remember, he's the CMO. He can kill you and make it look like an accident.

"Never challenge Ronan to a dual. If you're stupid enough to do so, make sure all your affairs are in order and someone on Atlantis is listed as your next of kin. That way, we know who will be richer at week's end.

"Never say a bad word about Colonel Carter at the SGA in front of McKay.

"Never mention Simon Wallace near Dr. Weir.

"If a Wraith says they're not hungry, don't believe them."

"Umm, Mr. Chuck?"

"Heh, just Chuck is fine."

"Oh, okay. Chuck, what about the rumors about Colonel Sheppard and Doctor Weir?"

"Ooh, she's right." "I've heard about this." "What rumors?"

"Hmm. Straight to the point, I see. This is probably one of the most important points that we will discuss, and I think that we'll end our discussion after this. During the course of the past three years, there have been a number of rumors floating around the city and, now it seems, among the Athosians, the Genii, the Replicators, the Wraith … well, anyway, let me be clear. 'Doctor Weir and Colonel Sheppard are not in a romantic relationship'. You may be wondering, 'Why did he just use air quotes?' While the main reason is that I'm obligated to as a nerd, if you read between the lines, it means that I technically didn't say it, but I still said it. That way, you're off the hook, and you've never actually said anything.

"However, as your assignment on Atlantis continues, you'll see all kinds of signs. During the briefings, they almost always sit next to each other. Whenever something blows up, they always arrive together. He prefers to sit on her desk, rather than a chair. If something goes wrong, he is the first person she looks to. And, of course, there is the eye sex. It can look like they're having a staring contest while mentally undressing each other. Again, we didn't see anything. Let's repeat that, okay?"

"We didn't see anything." "We didn't see anything." "We didn't see anything."

"Good. Another important rule in regards to our bosses is, and probably one of the most important rules that you should tape to your mirror, never open a storage supply closet. They're small, convenient, and never locked. If you are-" Clears throat. "-fortunate enough to accidentally find them, Doctor Heightmeyer, our city's resident psychologist, offers a weekly support group. They meet every Tuesday evening in her office."

"Uh, Chuck, mind if I jump back in?"

"Not at all, Major, go ahead."

"Another reminder is to never indicate that Doctor Weir has allowed her personal feelings for Colonel Sheppard or other members of the Expedition to jeopardize her command decisions. One such individual, who shall remain nameless until tomorrow night's slideshow-" Coughs. "-Kavanagh- was almost attacked by Doctor Weir upon his suggestion of that."

"Lorne? Whatcha doing?"

"Colonel Sheppard … wasn't expecting you down here tonight. _Chuck, how does he even know where this room is?_"

"Uh-oh." "Ooh, he's hot." "No wonder Doc-"

"You wanna finish that sentence, Lieutenant?"

"No, sir."

"Ya sure?"

"Yes, sir."

Nods. "Chuck, good job! Did I miss the 'red shirt' show?"

"Phew! I mean, uh, actually, sir, we were just wrapping up 102. Slide show got moved to tomorrow night."

"Aw, crap, I was really wanting to see that. Oh, by the way, if anyone wants to make any bets about a certain colonel and a certain doctor … make sure said colonel and doctor are unaware. Because if they find out, they take a 25% cut."

"Thank you, Colonel? Okay. 102 is done. Please make sure to fill out the forms in your packets and return them to me ASAP. If anyone cares to come for the slideshow, we'll be starting tomorrow night at 1800 hours. Thanks for coming."

* * *

Next time: "Red Shirt of Atlantis: a slideshow presentation to former Expedition members"


	3. Red Shirts of Atlantis 103

The beginning of the end! Thanks for tagging along and sharing your thoughts with me ... Hopefully my other fics will get updated soon, the fic bunnies are waking up from a short hibernation!

* * *

Muttering to himself, he said, "Okay, just let me take a head count - Colonel, nice to see you."

"Good to see you, Chuck." John Sheppard held up a six pack. "I brought the beers," he told him, grinning just slightly.

"Um, I don't think that's going to be enough," Chuck responded, glancing around the room as he held his clipboard securely against his chest. "There were sixteen here the first time. I counted twenty nine tonight."

John raised his eyebrows. "Really?" he said in disbelief.

"Yes, sir." He paused. "And there are only eight new transfers from the _Daedalus_."

"Hmm. Well, guess that means your program is really popular," John concluded, smirking as he patted Chuck on the shoulder. "Keep it up!"

"Uh, I - never mind."

He kept counting all the heads that were already seated, and continued to add on as even more walked through the door into the rec room. _We have to be filled beyond capacity_, he silently reprimanded himself.

He could make out the senior staff standing against the back wall, John whispering something to Elizabeth Weir. Next to her stood Teyla and Ronan, both standing with their arms crossed but not looking like they were forced to come.

"You've got to be kidding me," he groaned quietly at the masses.

John turned around to face him, leaning heavily against the wall, nodding his head to the man at the projector. "You ready?"

"Remind me how I got roped into doing this, again?" he complained, sitting on a stool with his feet perched on the bottom rung.

"We drew straws."

"I got the long one!"

"Well, I'm calling rank."

"Apples and oranges, Sheppard! I don't have a rank!"

"McKay? Shut up and let's get this going."

The astrophysicist glared at him, then mumbled, "Fine," and straightened in his seat.

Chuck watched, amused, till Sheppard looked at him and shook his head to the screen, motioning for him to get started.

"Can I have everybody's attention, please?"

Some of the occupants continued chatting away, seeming unaware of the call to order.

Until Sheppard let a sharp whistle fly.

Everyone hushed.

He smirked, then nodded at Chuck.

Chuck gulped. He started feeling like the mail room clerk who was doing a presentation for the CEO. Which was a ridiculous comparison, but still.

"I want to thank you all for coming tonight." He noticed someone slide a glass of water over to him, and he quickly took a swallow.

Nope. That wasn't water. But it did loosen him up. He took a couple more sips before continuing.

"All right, tonight, we've consolidated the slideshow a bit, due to the 1900 hour showing of 'The Goonies'. The following slideshow is a tribute to members that we have unfortunately lost, members that had the good sense to get off Atlantis before someone blew them up, and a small group that we wish we could kill ourselves. Afterwards, there will be a drawing to see how much you remember. The winner will get their pick of living quarters from the selection that Colonel Sheppard has available."

"And a fruit basket, Chuck. Don't forget that."

"Heh. Whatever you say, Johnny-boy."

* * *

John glanced sideways at Elizabeth. "May I ask, what exactly was in that glass that you gave him?"

"Some of Radek's homemade alcohol," she replied innocently.

He grinned. "When this night is over, _I_ might need some."

She handed him a mug. "Get started. It'll be easier to get your clothes off later."

The mug almost fell out of John's hand.

* * *

"Ladies and gentlemen, if you have any devices on you that are going to make some sort of annoying noise, please remove or silence them. This includes any weapons. If you have a silencer, go ahead and attach it now. Yes, Ronan, that means you."

"And now, 'Red Shirts of Atlantis'."

The slideshow started with a sweeping view of Atlantis, taken from a jumper, and the words "Red Shirts of Atlantis" scrolled across the screen in red.

The first picture was Colonel Marshall Sumner. "The first casualty of Atlantis, Colonel Sumner was the original ranking military officer. No, Colonel Sheppard didn't kill him for his job. Yes, I was told to say that. Colonel Sumner was taken captive by the Wraith and died at the hands of the Wraith Queen."

It faded to black and another montage of pictures and video played. "Sergeant Bates was disliked during his first year here for his suspicion of Wraith collaboration on Teyla's part. A hidden Wraith in the city attacked him and subsequently had to be sent back to Earth for medical treatment. Bates left the Stargate program and is now working in Washington. Doing what, we have no idea. I'm sure that thread will be tied up sometime next year."

During the next segment, he paused, slightly saddened. "This is Peter Grodin. He gave his life aboard an Ancient weapons satellite to ensure the survival of Atlantis from an impending Wraith attack. Please take a moment of silence for him."

There was a moment of quiet, then the projector clicked.

Next. "Lieutenant Aiden Ford. Lieutenant Ford was a promising young man here on the base. However, during the same chain of events that led to Bates being sent home, Ford was attacked by a Wraith, overdosed on the Wraith enzyme, escaped, turned into a rogue leader, and was assumed KIA. Then he showed up again. Then he 'died' again. If you would like to bet on how and when he'll show up again, please see me after the movie."

They scrolled through a number of others.

"And now, for the primary subject of former members we wish we could kill ourselves…" He glanced at John Sheppard and Ronan Dex as they handed cherry tomatoes to the audience. "Dr. Benjamin Kavanagh. You may now begin booing."

While some were confused, most of the audience gladly relished the opportunity for revenge. Even if was this juvenile.

They let the small tomatoes fly, most of them just bouncing off the screen. A few left slight red streaks, then out of nowhere, a large stain appeared on the screen, smearing down the face of their most disliked scientist.

From the back of the room, Colonel Sheppard asked, "Elizabeth, where'd you get _that_ tomato from?"

She didn't answer him directly. "I've been waiting forever to do that!" she exclaimed, clearly proud of herself.

Chuck rolled his eyes as Radek stepped out from the side and began wiping the screen off.

The projector clicked off. The lights slowly rose in intensity over the room.

"On behalf of the senior staff, I'd like to thank everyone for coming. Again, please, a stern warning. If you do not want to end up in the montage of the previous segment, _do not_ tell anyone outside of this room about the orientation." Chuck smiled at everyone. "Next Wednesday, we will have the introduction to Pegasus cultures at 1800 hours. Thank you again for coming, and the showing of 'The Goonies' will start shortly."

John walked up to him and whispered in his ear, causing him to invite him to tell the crowd. "One more thing: if you want to watch 'The Goonies' and figure out who their Expedition counterparts are, please see me now. Accepted currency is beer and chocolate."

Chuck chuckled. "Meeting concluded."

* * *

Fin.

Reviews ALWAYS appreciated!


	4. Sexual Harassment 104

Thank you all for reading and leaving reviews! This will probably be the last chapter I post for a bit as there are a few other fics of mine which the fic bunnies have abandoned in favor of the Atlantis Orientation series ... but when everything gets settled, we'll have an interesting Cultures class!

* * *

"I thought Teyla was teaching this section."

"I thought Dr. Weir was."

"Why does Colonel Sheppard look like he's been drinking?"

"Has anyone called Dr. McKay by his actual first name yet?"

Everyone looks at the last person to comment.

"What?" he asks with a shrug.

"Stay on topic. Sheppard's drunk. And … starting to strip?"

The men groan. The women giggle.

* * *

"G'd evening, everybody. I am Lieutenant-" Jacket comes off. "Colonel-" Empty beer can falls to the floor. "John Sheppard."

A round of applause comes up from one side of the room. A couple of the Marines snicker. Most of the men are still glaring at the women.

"So. Y'all are probably expecting the Pegasus culture class, aren't ya?"

Heads nod.

"Well, Teyla got sick earlier. So I volunteered to substitute for her. Only, I've never taught this particular class before. So we're not doing it tonight. Instead, with the help of the lovely Doctor Elizabeth Weir, we will have our 'official' sexual harassment workshop."

The women almost faint in pure ecstasy.

* * *

Elizabeth has been standing outside the rec room for the past two minutes, thoroughly entertained by the banter going on inside. She started getting worried that John was actually doing a strip tease, but sighed in relief when he started talking again.

Right until the part where he says "'Official' sexual harassment workshop" and she almost keels over in shock.

_I'm going to kill him_.

He had told her, only an hour earlier, that he hadn't done the section on cultures for a while, and requested her help.

Well, not exactly.

He did his classic puppy dog eyes. He said please.

Then he rolled over on her bed, reaching for his black shirt lodged behind the mattress.

After they left her quarters, she began summarizing all the information that she needed to include and kept getting distracted. She finally focused again and had everything neatly organized in her head. Right until she saw John wander up to her, outside the rec room, holding a beer.

_God, help us._

He smirked at her, a little more intense than usual. "Hey, beautiful," he vocalized with a slight slur.

She couldn't help but laugh. "Well, at least you're a fun drunk," she said, accepting the circumstances.

"This is only my second beer!" he protested, somewhat smugly.

She crossed her arms. "What happened to that jar of moonshine that Radek gave you three days ago?"

He stood rooted in place, almost shocked, then just grinned at her.

_Crap._

He leaned forward and kissed her cheek. "Hey, don't worry 'bout a thing! I know this class like the back of my hand!" he assured her and waltzed into the rec room.

She shook her head, amused, until his delirious words pierced her mind. "What? 'Like the back of my hand'?"

Two minutes later, her worst fears were confirmed.

"John's using me as a prop for his sexual harassment workshop?"

In a panic, she tapped her ear piece. "Weir to Control."

"Yes, ma'am, go ahead."

"Chuck, please disable the cameras in the rec room. No questions asked."

"You got it. They're offline."

* * *

As soon as Chuck ended the communication, he turned to the other technicians sitting in the control room. "All right, pool is 50 dollars. Call your bets."

"Kiss."

"Butt slap."

"Groping."

"Hug."

"Ogling."

Chuck glared at the technician suspiciously, then sighed. "Colonel Sheppard already does that on a regular basis. Disqualified."

"Dang it!"

* * *

John wondered how long he could get away with this.

He had told Teyla that he would teach the cultural class since she got sick.

He begged Elizabeth to help him.

Then he only had drunk one beer, but he decided the cultural class was too boring.

He wasn't really drunk. Normally, Elizabeth would see right through it.

Judging from the embarrassed stare that she was still sending his way, however, convinced him that his facade was still in place.

"So," he drawled to the crowd in the room, which seemed to have almost doubled in number over the past five minutes. "It's common knowledge in any work environment that sexual harassment is … well, it's not cool. It's even worse here, on Atlantis! It can lead to all kinds of rumors, and in a city this small, that's not a good thing. Especially when you have to work with that person 24/7."

Putting on his most serious face that he could muster while trying to appear drunk, he narrowed his eyes at the audience. "Also, sexual harassment is a serious offence in the armed forces. It can lead to a dishonorable discharge. And no, just because you're in another galaxy doesn't mean that the big guys back on Earth don't hear about stuff like this. Believe me. They know _everything_."

A few chuckles arose.

He raised his eyebrow. "_Especially_ General O'Neill."

The tension breaking laugh made him grin. He habitually checked his watch, seeing how long Elizabeth had been lingering outside the door.

If she hadn't run away, that is.

She was standing by the doorway, arms crossed across her chest.

She was smirking at him.

Nervously, he bit his lip. He nodded at her, and she unfolded her arms as she walked in to join him.

"Good evening, everyone," she greeted, nodding at the audience. Then she turned her dark green eyes to John - or, more exactly, his body - and allowed a satisfied stare up and down.

The tension was coming back.

This wasn't good.

He smiled. "Hey, Elizabeth!"

She smiled back. "Hello yourself, _Colonel_."

_Oh crap. She knows_.

She glanced back at the audience. "Wow, is it getting hot in here?" she asked rhetorically as she pulled her sleeves of her black jacket off of her slender arms.

John gulped, and almost forgot to play his part. "It got hotter when you walked in."

Half the room gasped. A quarter of the room high fived each other underhandedly. The remaining quarter wrote something in a notebook.

Elizabeth shot him a piercing look. She mouthed, _Nice_, then turned her attention to the audience. "It is all too easy for comments such as that to be misunderstood. Granted, if you are in a relationship that we are blissfully unaware of, it can slip by and won't do much damage. But in no circumstance should it be repeated to anyone else. Especially any off world cultures that we haven't started negotiations with. If you ruin it for me, you will pay."

John chuckled, then watched her as she walked over to a chair and laid her jacket over the back of it. He let out an appreciative whistle.

He could see her hesitate for a second, but as she slowly pivoted around to face him, she fixed him with a suspicious air. "John," she asked slowly. "What was that for?"

He shrugged. "Just admiring your natural beauty."

"You whistled at my butt."

"Well, you never minded when I did it before," he whined slightly.

"Another important point, thank you, Colonel Sheppard. If you feel that you are being harassed, or have been assaulted by someone here on base, do not hesitate to inform either Colonel Sheppard or myself. We will launch an investigation into it, and get to the bottom of it. The longer you let it go on, the harder it can be to stop."

"Umm, Doctor Weir?"

"Yes?"

"Why is Colonel Sheppard acting like he's drunk?"

The entire room groaned and one of the new lieutenants belted the scientist across the stomach as he sat down.

John grimaced. "Because it was easier to play the sex crazed male when I'm pretending to be drunk, thank you, Doctor Wilder! For pointing that out, you have to repeat this class. The _actual_ cultures class."

The scientist crossed his arms and started to pout.

Elizabeth briefly smiled at John as he started to turn crimson. "My apologies if I have insulted anyone. Uh, if anyone has any questions?"

A female Marine raised her hand.

"Yes, Lieutenant Morrison."

She stood up, hands behind her back respectfully. "A few of us are wondering if the no-frat rule has, 'unofficially', been done away with. What is the senior staff's position on that?"

"Thank you for your question. I believe Doctor Weir can word it better."

Elizabeth nodded at him as he took a seat behind her on the stool. "The military fraternization standards are still in place. However, if you and a equal ranked member of the military contingent wish to begin a relationship and believe that it will not impose on your duties, you may covertly do so."

"Same goes for scientists. Dating department heads is frowned upon. Basically, same as on Earth. If it doesn't interfere with your work, well, the less we know, the better."

The audience seemed a little fidgety, almost as if they were expecting something else. Ever since his ruse got exposed, John didn't really have the heart to try and explain matters further.

The twinkle in Elizabeth's eye as she turned to face him, however, showed that she wasn't quite done yet.

"A small part that we could like to close with involved how you respond to situations you might find yourselves in. Along those lines, for anyone that wishes to learn self defense, please feel free to contact Teyla once she is well."

"I dunno, 'Lizabeth, I think the rookies have the advantage right now."

She seemed to ignore his comment and continued.

"If you are sent for some odd reason to a storage supply closet, and within you happen to find two people making out, or worse, what should your immediate response be?"

The group seemed to mull over that, nodding at one person to stand and give their answer. "You should close the door, pretend you didn't see anything, go to another closet, and never speak of it."

John nodded thoughtfully, then stood up next to Elizabeth, crossing his arms. "What if you get back and someone asks you what took so long?"

The young woman gritted her teeth, then sat back down and began deliberating again.

"We'll give you the easy way. It's best to say that you got caught by Dr. McKay and he lectured you on some techno babble. Not only will you get a sympathy vote, but if someone asks McKay if he was speaking to you, he'll agree that he did just to get them out of his hair."

She nodded in thanks, then sat back heavily in her seat.

"We realize that we can't prepare you for every situation you'll find yourselves in," John started to conclude. "Basically, if you behave and no sexual innuendos come out of your mouth, you don't touch anyone inappropriately, and any relationships are kept under the rug, then we'll get along just fine. All right, we're done for the night. Have a good one."

The group milled out of the room in a hurry.

John watched the last scientist leave, then turned around with a groan. "Thank God, I didn't think they would ev-"

Elizabeth pressing her lips to his cut him off unexpectedly.

John's hands hung uncertainly at his sides, then they slowly woke up and pressed against her shoulders, pushing her away just slightly. Her hands stayed, holding his head, as she blinked at him. "What?" she asked, frowning.

"We just taught a sexual harassment seminar and now you're sticking your tongue down my throat?"

"You weren't complaining earlier," she murmured, leaving a kiss on his neck.

He groaned in frustration. "But we were in your quarters, and there were no cameras on us."

"I told Chuck to turn them off."

His eyebrows perked up as a notion began to occupy his thoughts. "I've got an idea."

"What's that?"

"It's time to put our class to the test."

* * *

Dr. Kate Heightmeyer hadn't even made it to her office doors the next morning before she found herself with a new client.

A young woman in a blue science uniform stood outside her door, nervously chewing on a nail.

Kate pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. "Can I help you?"

"Umm, yeah, I just had a quick question."

"Of course. What is it?"

"On average, how long does it take for new members to find Colonel Sheppard and Doctor Weir in a storage closet?"

Kate looked upwards in thought. "The average this year has been three weeks."

"Oh," was the woman's astonished reply.

"Why? Is something the matter?"

"Well, I left my computer behind after the sexual harassment workshop last night, and I went back to get it. There was a sign left where I was sitting, and it pointed to a door off the corridor? It had a sign that read, 'Lost and Found'."

Kate sighed. "I assume it was more found than lost?"

"Well, I found my computer, and the two of them. But, they had, umm, lost most of their clothing."

The psychiatrist winced. "I have an opening right now."

The woman, a Sandra Clark, nodded thankfully at her.

Kate didn't stop to mention that _she_ was the staff member responsible for the sexual harassment seminar.

* * *

Fin. For now. ;)


	5. Making A Syllabus 105

**A/N:** So this has been sitting on my hard drive for the last four months. It's short, but a promise of more to come. :)

* * *

Chuck sat at his station in the control room, trying to work on his tablet while things were quiet. Ever since the orientation meetings had become so popular with new staff – although he still couldn't figure out why the attendance at the last meeting was so high – he had been receiving an insane amount of emails from military and scientists alike, requesting specific classes.

He shook his head, then quickly swiped the email marked "Surfing" into the trash.

Someone patted his shoulder and he turned his head.

"How's it going, Chuck?" Sheppard asked, taking a seat on the edge of the console.

Chuck shrugged. "A lot of bizarre suggestions, sir. Speaking of which, I heard that Dr. Heightmeyer wasn't able to make it to the sexual harassment class on Monday."

Sheppard bit his lip. "It wasn't so much that she couldn't make it as it was that she … didn't know about it."

Chuck frowned, lips ready to form a question, but then he thought better of it and clamped his mouth shut.

"What about the culture class?" Sheppard suggested, crossing his arms.

Chuck shook his head. "Even though Teyla's well, it has dropped in popularity. And because the classes are not sanctioned by the SGC, we can't make it a necessity."

"Well, what else is on the list?"

Chuck consulted his tablet. "Self-defen – self-defense?!" He looked up at Sheppard in confusion. "This wasn't originally on the roster!"

Sheppard smirked. "Yeah, I might've added it."

Chuck frowned. "How did you hack into my email?"

"Dude, c'mon. I'm smart. Mensa smart."

There was a moment of silence. "Colonel."

"I had Zelenka do it."

"What?"

"Don't worry, we changed your password back to 'Gatekeeper76'." Sheppard tapped his fingers on the console, then headed into Weir's office.

Chuck looked back for a moment, then blinked in curiosity, wondering when Dr. Weir had installed a door and black curtains.

* * *

**A/N:** If anyone has any "subjects" that they would like to see tackled during an orientation, either leave a note in a review or send me a PM. Thanks!


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